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I know we keep failing but silence is giving up and I donвЂ™t want to do that. IвЂ™m nervous that weвЂ™re going to end up in a fighting match.

I know IвЂ™m not the best communicator but silence canвЂ™t be good.

Tell your partner what you want them to think or know: If youвЂ™re worried about what your spouse might say, think, or do, be transparent about that. Those fears play into why people stay silent. What happens if we start talking and canвЂ™t work it out? What happens if I ask my partner whatвЂ™s bothering them and I canвЂ™t handle the answer? What happens if I tell my partner whatвЂ™s bothering me and they donвЂ™t care? Partners stop talking because they fear what might happen after the conversation starts. I havenвЂ™t asked because I am afraid youвЂ™ll say itвЂ™s my fault but I miss you. We donвЂ™t really talk anymore and I am not sure why.

IвЂ™m not sure whatвЂ™s going here but I feel like we havenвЂ™t really spoken in X amount of time.

IвЂ™m not even sure I can explain it all but IвЂ™d like to try, if youвЂ™re willing to listen to me bumble about a bit while I sort it all out.

Can we check in? I know IвЂ™ve gone radio silent and shut down.

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I have been feeling X and just havenвЂ™t known how to bring it up.

Hey, we havenвЂ™t really been talking lately.

So how do you break the silence in your marriage? Start by acknowledging it. YouвЂ™re not worth my time or my attention. However, those on the receiving end of such silence hear the message: You have ceased to matter. No one is yelling or using disrespectful language. Sometimes silence is a deliberate choice. However, improvements failed to stick, nothing worked and needs failed to get met until one or both decided it was better to retreat from the relationship emotionally and stop fighting for it.

They did try for an improved understanding. Maybe at some point, one or both partners did fight.

They donвЂ™t have any gas left in the tank to fight for the relationship. They try to speak up, but by that point, itвЂ™s often too late. The unspoken issues and irritants add up until the tension will hit a breaking point.Д®ventually, partners explode, or worse, shut down.

However, as he details in Principia Amoris, these couples are at greater risk of вЂњdrifting apart with zero interdependence over time, and thus being left with a marriage consisting of two parallel lives, never touching, especially when the children home.вЂќ GottmanвЂ™s research has revealed that for some conflict avoiders, this interaction is good enough for them. They tell themselves that whatever is bothering them isnвЂ™t worth bringing up. Some partners avoid conflict because they think theyвЂ™re keeping the peace. At least theyвЂ™re talking, even if theyвЂ™re arguing, because as Lisa Brookes Kift, LMFT explains, not arguing means youвЂ™re not communicating. However, after working with couples for 15 years, it has become crystal clear that those couples have a leg up on other couples that are struggling. ItвЂ™s easy to understand that relationships fail when conflict is unrelenting. Constant conflict, chronic disrespect, and serious betrayals get a lot of air time when weвЂ™re talking about bad relationships.